Dad

Dad

Tomorrow will mark the 3 years that I've been without my dad. Everyone always says it will get easier and easier, but for me it's the opposite. Anything I learn, discover, or do....I find myself always wanting to know what dad would've said. For example... I could've called him a few years ago to say I'm buying my first house, and he could've come and inspected it for me. He would of for sure helped me to move to, even though he'd always scratch up things. I never want Christina to throw away that green couch, since all the scratches in it on the top.....are from when I moved to Orlando, and he had to carry that HEAVY couch up 3 flights of stairs. I remember I helped him, and he said "that's my girl". I could've told him, that I'm moving to Texas, and he would've said something like "No way!!! Coooooool!" in his happy/excited voice, which was always the best! Whenever he was happy or excited about something you couldn't help but feel that same exact way, even if it was for simple things like tomatoes or something. Every now and then I break down uncontrollably still and cry. Last time was just a few weeks ago. I don't know how I'm going to go on without him, no one I ever meet in my life will ever compare to him. You can always meet another person who may remind you of someone I think. But not him. I feel mad at him, for leaving us. I feel like "how could he?"!! He would always take me in his arms and just let me melt into them. I miss his funny pants he used to always wear!!! They would never match!! Some Z Cavaricci's ! His smell of aftershave (Old Spice), and his sometimes even beer breath from after he'd come home from work. When he used to hurt himself and him always yelling "aye!", instead of "ouch", which I've inherited by the way. Ian always points that out. I still don't believe he's gone, I will never accept it. I write a lot of letter to him all the time, and next time I visit his grave I'm going to leave them there. I miss him. I want him back. I want to go back, and ANSWER my phone when he called me, so I could've helped him. I hate myself sometimes for not being there like I should've been. I would always listen to his voicemails and just erase them, since he'd always be asking if we could do stuff together, it was during my bartending days so he'd always be up at like some 7, and I'd juut be getting home at 4. I'm so glad he is in peace now, although I wish it could've been with us. I know his pride was hurt by him not being able to find work. He always thrived like Christina said on working....sometimes 7 days a week. I feel like he didn't know how to "live" without work. He was so used to feeling accomplished and proud of himself all the time, that when the opportunities were starting to become taken away from him, he didn't know how to react to that. Dad could never "settle". Never. He always had work to look forward to no matter how much he complained of it. I miss him so much. I will write more here tomorrow. DAd, we miss you ..we love you!